What if you could know the exact moment that you would meet ‘the one’? Timer is a futuristic look at the possibility. It’s a step further than internet dating, where you can have a timer implanted into your wrist that will count down to the moment that you will meet your mate. The thing that makes this concept interesting is that there are so many variables to this seemingly foolproof plan. When you get the implant it won’t tell you immediately in some cases; and you could be waiting years for the dern thing to get to counting down. This is what happens to our heroine Oona. She and her sister Steff both have the implant, and are the last of all their friends not to have it countdown. The timer is something that is voluntary so not everyone has one, and there in lies the rub. If your intended doesn’t have one, then yours will never count down. Oona is anxious about her future as she is turning 30 and still hasn’t found the one. Steff on the other hand is perfectly happy having lots of one night stands with un-timered men in the meantime. The girls have a little brother, whom on his 14th birthday decided he wanted to get timered. The moment his timer is installed, it counts down to the next day! Oona comes completely unglued that her baby brother is about to find his ‘one.’ Much to their families chagrin his one is the daughter of the families Spanish speaking housekeeper.


One night while grocery shopping, a much younger timered checker named Mikey flirts with Oona. She blows him off, but then returns on a whim to begin dating him. She asks when he is supposed to meet his one, and he tells her 4 months or so. So Oona knows that her time with Mikey is limited and struggles with continuing to see him almost every other day. Steff meets a handsome guy on her own, whom is also untimered and begins to fall for him as well. The sisters go to great lengths to hide each of their perspective relationships from the other; until one night when Oona and Mikey crash at Oonas and Steff comes home early. The sisters begin to argue about his impending date to be with his one, and to stop the fighting he reveals that his timer is a fake. With this revelation, more questions arise and more variables. Oona seems to panic, and back out of the relationship though she knows that how she feels about Mikey is the absolute truth. But he isn’t the one, is he? She tries to convince him to get a timer to find out for sure, and he refuses. So does she move on and continue to wait for her timer to go off? Or does she stay with someone; though 6 years younger than she because he makes her happy? The story raises many interesting questions about falling in love and destiny. Very thought provoking, expertly written.

Teeth

When I dialed up Teeth I was sure I’d be getting into some low budget feminist blood fest or something. However I was pleasantly surprised with it’s thoughtfulness and clear story telling. If you haven’t heard, Teeth is a film about a woman who has teeth in her vagina. The tag line of the film says ‘The most alarming cautionary tale for men since fatal attraction.’ which leads you to believe my first impression of what the film would be like. Let me break it down for you. Our heroine is Dawn, a teenage purity priestess, who goes from school to school with a band of Christian soldiers preaching purity to teens and encouraging them to wear purity rings. Completely unexpected, but ok let’s see where this goes. She’s a perfectly happy teen until she meets a new student Toby, whom she is instantly attracted to. Dawn and Toby become friends and go on group dates so they can spend time together. They always make sure that they are with other people so nothing inappropriate happens between them. Dawn begins to have erotic dreams about Toby, and the feeling is mutual. This becomes too much for our girl Dawn and she decides that seeing him even in a group setting is too much for her vows. However, nature takes over and she breaks down one night and calls him to meet her in the woods for a swim. Naturally you know they’re about to be up to no good. They swim, and it begins to rain; so they go to a nearby ‘make out’ cave to wait out the rain. There is a blanket stored there for whomever happens by and they cuddle and kiss, however Toby wants to take it farther. Dawn says no, but Toby is ready for action. Dawn fights and screams and Toby overpowers her to get what he wants. Big mistake on his part as the teeth take over and rescue our girl Dawn from her fate, leaving Toby a bloody screaming mess. He tries to swim away but looses too much blood and is lost in the river.

Dawn of course is freaked out by not only the attack but the disappearance of Toby and tries her best to go on with business as usual. Back at home Dawn has a whole other set of problems. When she was little her father remarried a woman who had a son Brad. This kid is a deeply disturbed heavy metal loving misogynist who lives to torment everyone he comes in contact with. The most fascinating fact about Brad is that when he has sex with a woman, it’s never vaginally. Curious why? Terrible Toby’s memberless body is discovered and investigations ensue. Dawn tries to find out what is wrong with her by doing research on her ‘condition’. Unfortunately she can only find women like herself in mythology. She decides to see a gynecologist to confirm her fears. When in the stirrups being probed she becomes tense and ends up ‘chewing’ off all the doctors digits accidentally. In a freaked out frenzy she runs into the arms of her sometimes stalker Ryan for comfort, only to be seduced by him. However she kind of likes the guy so she willingly has sex with him and nothing awful happens to his junk. To me this makes the whole movie stick. If she’s participating willingly the teeth don’t bite down. However things take a turn when the next day while they are having sex he answers the phone to talk to a homie. He then tells her while mid stroke that he had a bet with the homie that he could get her into bed. Guess what happens next? Crazy, thrilling, sick, and cool.

Planet Brooklyn

The cover of Planet Brooklyn puts me off, and had for a while as it looked like one of those ‘How to be a Player’ sort of black movies that make you wonder why you wasted the last hour and a half of your life on that crap. However I decided to take the plunge anyway and I am so glad that I did. This film centers around two best friends in their late 20’s, Ish and Oz, who have dedicated their lives to circumventing the system by any means necessary. They do not want to be part of the 9 to 5 grind in any way shape or form. (I mean who does?) Ish is played by real life Ishmael Butler better known as ‘Butterfly’ of the now defunct Digable Planets and current member of the mashup outfit ‘Cherry Wine’ (and one of the finest brothers in existence..but I digress) and hip hop fixture Bonz Mallone as Oz. Oz happened to inherit a nice Brooklyn apartment from his grandmother’s passing; so he and Ish pretty much squat there making ends meet by Ish giving haircuts in the living room and Oz gambling. They both speak obsessively about a band that they are supposed to be assembling, and have been since junior high. When they aren’t at the house they are at the local record shop putting records on lay away and blowing on about their band with the shops owner Smokey. The two are constantly trailed by Junie, a dude who is enthusiastic about music too, but always seems to have outlandish claims about who he knows and how talented he is. Ish and Oz let him hang but don’t take him too seriously. Ish seems to be from a great middle class home, that he sneaks in and out of to get records and groceries. He and his father aren’t on good terms because Ish chose his own path. One day when Ish is walking home he sees a gorgeous lady bombing a wall, and falls for her instantly. Her name is Veronica, and she’s a multi talented artists as well as the woman of his dreams. They fall for eachother, each encouraging the other to follow their dreams. However each has their own demons to deal with when it comes to making something real happen instead of doing it as a hobby or just talking about it everyday.


One day when they two are out a bird takes a dump on Oz’ head, and he takes it as a sign of good luck and begins gambling all over town and wins. He then goes to Atlantic city to ride his streak and wins even more. Oz feels unstoppable. One day he calls the local bookie, Wolfie to place a bet for $3,000 and loses. He decides to get out of town for a while till things blow over. The next thing you know the three of them are piled in an old Cadillac to go camping for a few days. When they return, things haven’t blown over and Wolfie wants his payment. When Oz tells him he can’t pay, Wolfie comes up with shotgun alternative. Back at the apartment Veronica and Ish are chilling and Veronica pops in a cassette tape that was lying around, and it’s hot. Turns out Junie wasn’t lying about his talent afterall, and Ish goes to find him to finally start his band. This film definitely speaks to that part of us that never wants to compromise for the sake of growing up. Well written, and emotionally honest.

America the Beautiful

America the Beautiful is a documentary that magnifies the obsession with unattainable beauty and perfection that runs rampant in this country. The film opens shooting a tall willowy black model named Gerrin; whom has a giant forest of natural hair walking at a swimsuit show. The model after the show goes swimming with other models who are drinking and some are nude. Little do we know at first that this model is 12 years old and still in middle school. Gerrin is a wonderkind in the industry at 12, and rumored to be positioned to blow Naomi off the runway. Her walk is sexy and fierce, and she has lots of personality. Gerrin lives in California with her mother Michelle, and ex amateur model. Michelle wants Gerrin to excel in the industry so the following year, she takes her to New York for fashion week. She is seen and booked right away, and ends up landing shows for Marc Jacobs, B Michael, Tommy Hilfiger and others right away. As quickly as she is celebrated, the door is slammed on her a few months later because her mother has become quite pushy. No designer will book her now, and no agency will take her on in New York. The two pack up and head for Europe, first stop London. Gerrin books three shows, and two pay her in clothes. Gerrin and Michelle want to go to Paris next, but are warned that her 6 foot 120 frame will be too big to work there. They go anyway, and she is measured. Sure enough her hips are too big at 96cm. The largest you can be is 90cm. What is the reason for this small number? Designers don’t want to pay for extra yardage for fabric, so make the girls anorexic. Not only isn’t she ‘thin’ enough, but black isn’t popular in France for models anyway. When Gerrin gets home she’s going on and on about how she’s ‘obese.’ Not because she thinks so, evidently someone in Europe told her that she was obese. Gerrin seems quite ticked off by this, and goes over her body part by part showing that there is no way that she can be obese. She goes on to say ‘I hope I’m this obese when I’m 40.’ Never the less Gerrin goes on a diet to get smaller, and then complains about her ‘stretch marks’ and how she can’t wear a bikini ever again. The camera had to be right on her skin to see what she was talking about. The film covers about three years in her life and at the end of the film she is very withdrawn and adamant that she is ugly. “Period” as she puts it.

The film also visits, different cultures, and their views of beauty. Plastic surgery, the cosmetic industry, a site called beautiful people dot net, that decides if you’re beautiful enough to join based on your looks. The film also addresses the eating disorders that women get because of the impossible beauty standard, and how insurance will not cover treatment of these diseases, and how this must be changed. This film has many fascinating aspects that definitely get you wondering. Is it all worth it in the end?

Bart Got A Room

Bart Got A Room is the story of a semi- nerdy kid named Danny, who live in Miami with his newly divorced mom. It’s his senior year in high school and Danny is obsessed with getting ‘the right girl’ for the prom to take the perfect picture with and have the perfect memory of. So what’s up with Bart you ask? Bart happens to be the nerdiest kid in the senior class. The sentiment is that if Bart got a room, and you didn’t you then take is place as class loser. His best friend is a quirky freckle faced girl named Camille, who really wants to go to prom with Danny. Camille makes her desire known in a graduation card, and also tells her family that she wants to go with him. He tells her he wants to take someone else. Danny has his eyes on the perky blond tease of a cheerleader Alice, that he car pools to and from school with. Alice is beyond flirtatious, actually downright seductive; so naturally Danny thinks he has a shot. When he asks Alice tells him he’s deranged for thinking she was ever attracted to him. With that knife in his gut, he has to find the ‘perfect girl’ for the picture. He goes to his overweight lover buddy Craig for help. Craig asks his girlfriend Abby to help out, and she calls in the sure thing supertramp Marcy to fit the bill. Danny is supposed to have a meet and greet with Marcy at a restaurant on evening, but Camille shows up with her family, and while talking to Camille outside, super hot Marcy comes and goes and he misses his chance with her too.

In the midst of all this Danny’s divorced parents are both frantically dating trying to find new mates. His mother searching for financial stability, with any potbellied guy that shows her attention. His father is desperately internet dating, dying his hair and lying about his age. Danny is merely a blip on both of their radars. Danny’s father is determined to be buddies with Danny, bestowing him with keys to his new bachelor pad ”just in case.” Danny finds this very awkward and a little creepy. As the clock to prom ticks on, Danny is still determined to have a ‘sure thing’ for prom. He has bamboozled his parents into renting him a room at the hotel where the prom is being held, and paying for the limo. He hears an erotic poem in English class one day written by a classmate and sees this as a green light to ask her out. She places so many restrictions on going with him that he decides to keep looking. Time runs out, and he figures he’ll surprise Camille after all and pick her up on prom night. He goes to his friend Craig to ask if they can stop by Camille’s on the way to prom to pick her up only to find that Craig’s girl Abbey is covered in sun blisters from tanning and can’t go; so Craig has asked Camille to prom in her place. Danny is livid, and panicked as it’s prom night and he has no date. Hilarity ensues when he enlists his father to help him at the last minute to get a date. You’ll have to watch to see if Danny finds his dream girl after all. A deadpan classic.

The Rage in Placid Lake

The Rage in Placid Lake is a comedy in the tradition of Charley Bartlett, Sebastian Cole and Igby, however there are a few clever twists. The first clever twist is the title of the film. Placid Lake isn’t a place, it’s our protagonist. He’s a slightly nerdy prep school grad that has been systematically bullied his entire school career by the same three idiots. The film starts with his hippy dippy parents dropping him off at first grade in a dress saying it was ‘challenging people’s ideas of gender roles.’ Poor Placid is scarred for life. When he cries to mom and dad about the beatings, they tell him to find the positive in it. That was the same day he would meet his best super genius crayon-eating gal pal, Jemma.


Fast forward to senior year and the beatings he’s gotten accustomed to from the head bully Bull and his faithful minions. One day Placid puts Bull on the spot in private pegging him as homosexual, Bull doesn’t protest; but uses his fists to cover the truth. Placid is a very thoughtful and devious type that plans his revenge very carefully. He enters a film contest and does a documentary about how great his school is, and shows it at a school assembly to many applause. Placid is set to show the film at graduation to all the parents as well and switches the film to show his tormentors extorting other students and selling drugs on campus; as well as his out of touch hippy parents sexual melt downs. Naturally this would earn him another beating. He is chased to the roof of the school and cornered. Just as the bullies are about to pummel him he decides to jump off the roof, shattering every bone in his body. He would be in a coma for months, only to recover and decide he wants to ‘be like everyone else.’


He lies his way into a prestigious Insurance firm and gets a salary job. His hippy parents are beside themselves with disdain at this, as ‘they raised him to be a free expressive spirit.’ To shut them up he pretends to quit and hang around coffee shops all day, only going into the shed out back to change back into his suit and tie and continue working. His best friend Jemma is even a little creeped out by his changes and holds him at arms length as well. Placid charms his way into a higher position at work; bypassing his co worker Anton, and starts a purely sexual liaison with the company hotness Jane; much to Anton’s chagrin and jealousy. Though Placid always longed for structure; as the pressures of being a ‘company man’ and the hollow sex with Jane take their toll he starts to reexamine his choices and the reasons behind them. The pressure becomes too much for his nemesis Anton, and Placid has to use his wits to cheat death. You’ll have to watch and see how Placid jumps out of the way of deaths gun barrel. Crazy, quirky and thoughtful.

World's Greatest Dad

World’s Greatest Dad is a jet black comedy in a similar tradition as Jawbreaker, Heathers and Chumscrubber, when tragedy becomes it’s own animal that cannot be tamed. Lance is a high school poetry teacher , single father and struggling writer. Lance’s son Kyle is a nightmare walking to say the least. Foul mouthed to everyone he comes in contact with and an obsessive masturbator that prefers auto erotic asphyxia as his position of choice. In the films opening Lance walks in on Kyle strangling himself and thinks the worst only to be cursed out by his son for interrupting his orgasm. Kyle goes to the school where Lance teaches and is a problem child, who is constantly on academic probation and causing problems in the halls. This kid is so vile, that when the jocks beat on him, you actually cheer for the jocks! Kyle’s only friend is a drippy nerd named Andrew, whom has problems of his own at home, so he gladly tolerates Kyle’s abuse so he doesn’t have to go home and deal with his own problems.


Lance is having a secret affair with the art teacher Claire, who is a sun shiny, cute perky ray of sunshine that is crazy about him. Claire is supportive and funny, and what Lance looks forward to. One day in the teacher’s lounge a fellow teacher and handsome African- American man Mike reveals that he has had an article published in the New Yorker magazine. Lance is quietly jealous of this achievement, and even more bothered that it’s Mike’s first submission to the magazine. Claire is gushing over Mike’s achievement much to the dismay of Lance. Claire starts a friendship with Mike that makes Lance uneasy; but trying to be the ‘good secret boyfriend’ doesn’t make waves about it, and tries to trust her, even though every time he turns around she is breaking dates with him. One night they plan to go out and bring his son Kyle to dinner with them. After dinner he drops his son at home, and then drops Claire at her house. When he returns home Kyle has accidently strangled himself while masturbating. Lance panics and covers his son’s embarrassing death by faking a suicide note and hanging him in the closet. This is when things turn strange.

Naturally , there is sympathy from his coworkers and the students because of his son’s death. However what Lance hadn’t planned on was the suicide letter to be released by the police and printed in the school paper. The note made Kyle into something he absolutely wasn’t; a thoughtful, deep, intellectual. The school becomes enchanted by this person they never new. Maybe even a little obsessed. Lance is seduced by the attention he is getting and invents a ‘journal’ supposedly written by his son, which eventually is printed and distributed to the student body as a cautionary tale and comfort. Everyone has this idealized version of Kyle that they carry with them, and Lance is elevated to nearly sainthood. The lie of Kyle spins out of control, and the more Lance lies, the more he benefits. You will have to watch and see if he breaks or takes the accolades and runs. Great story telling. Twisted brilliance.

Good Dick

I heard about the film Good Dick way back when it came out, and one of the stars was saying the title is what it’s about. Eh, not. But wait…there’s more. See when you are on the circuit trying to get people to go see the movie, of course you are going to say that, with no regard to people feeling duped when they find out there is no sex in the film. Our lead characters are nameless. The woman, shut in semi weirdo Nastassja Kinski, Kristen Stewart mash up, who only ventures out to the local video store to get porn. The dude, the clerk and homeless stalker freak a Josh Harnett, Freddy Rodriguez collabo who somehow becomes obsessed with homegirl for absolutely no reason whatsoever. She looks like death warmed over most of the time, and is light years from friendly. He sees her one day, and writes down her address. He stalks her, peeping into her windows; seeing her watching porn and polishing the bean. He fakes a relative in the building to give excuses why he’s hanging around the halls. Eventually he pulls out his best Ted Bundy moves; faking the death of his aunt who lives in the building, leading him to scratch desperately at her door for comfort. She opens the door with a butcher knife and allows him to come in. He almost immediately starts cleaning her apartment. He starts showing up every night, whining about something or other, and she lets him in. She is irritable, and unfriendly yet somehow intrigued by his obsessive need to be with her. She allows him to sleep on the couch and will not permit him to touch her in any way. They watch porn together, however she has a rule if he gets aroused he’s 86’d. Needless to say he spends nights in his car when he gets aroused.

Most of the film you spend wondering what the hell her deal is. Dude sleeps in his car because his building was torn down and he just never bothered to get another apartment. This fact alone is telling of the type of person that he is. After a few weeks of crashing on his objects sofa he crowns himself the boyfriend. She reminds him that she doesn’t like him and isn’t even attracted to him, he of course rejects what she says and continues to do what he wants. Eventually she has a violent emotional breakdown that finally ejects him from her life. Only then do we get a glimpse of what it is that has her hiding from the world. She attempts to gain control of her life again, shedding the things that have her chained to her unhappiness. Once the clouds part she goes looking for the clerk to tell him how she really feels. It’s a quirky, strange somewhat psycho love story that many can probably relate to on some level.

Betty Blowtorch

Betty Blowtorch and her Amazing True Life Adventures is about one of the most amazing all girl rock bands ever. It took a while to assemble them but once they came together it was nothing but blow your face off rock n roll thunder. In the beginning the band was called Butt Trumpet with a lead singer named Thom; a punk outfit that wrote clever ditties and toured the west coast. The lead singer Thom was a punk rock purist, so when managers wanted to charge more for tour shirts or charge for stickers that he wanted to give away free; he suddenly had issues with being in the band. The band was signed by EMI which he thought was an irony as they swore they would never sign another punk act after the whole Sex Pistols debacle. Thom would eventually be pushed out of the band and then Dan would replace him, only to leave in the middle of a song while the band was on tour.

The girls came to the conclusion that they could do this themselves and would then evolve into Betty Blowtorch. Bianca Butthole (Lead singer), Sharron Needles, Judy Molish and Blair n Bitch would become some of the most feared chicks in the LA rock scene. They were as bad ass as any of the guys who were tearing up the clubs then. Not to mention these chicks were hot, and very vocal about their love of the male member. Their buddy Vanilla Ice would drop by to sing a verse on their song size queen about the size and prowess of his member; and after the verse drop trau to prove he wasn’t fibbing. One of their most popular songs ‘Ugly’ is so clever, you have to just watch for the story telling bit in the middle of the song. Hilarious!

The girls are raw rock, scathing and hard, with a pyrotechnics show to rival that of Kiss. They have a lady fire handler that travels with them, and have been known to have girl on girl action on their sets whilst they rock out. Things start picking up for the ladies of the Torch, touring like crazy, and a hot buzz on VH1 and an album ‘Are you Man Enough’ burning up the underground. Bizarrely enough in the middle of the tour Bianca wakes up to find that Judy and Sharron have bailed, taking equipment, merchandise and a van! Bianca won’t give up and jumps on the phone to get replacements to finish the tour. Amazingly she finds some incredible musicians to keep the show tearing on through. One night in New Orleans after a show the band is winding down and planning to go back to the hotel. Bianca hops a ride with a friend and the rest of the band takes the van back to the hotel. Bianca never makes it to the hotel as the car she was riding in crashes on the highway and she is killed. Betty Blowtorch is snuffed out before they can take over the world. Watching the film you get to experience the band in all of it’s glory. Long live Betty Blowtorch!